Written by Talon O. Moser
The apostle Paul told many new churches to be cheerful and glad about the teachings of Jesus Christ, his coming and to know He will always provide no matter the hardships, no matter any mans stature. The reason Paul is important and why I reference him is because Paul was in a Roman prison for years the entire time he wrote words of joy, hope, gladness and encouragement. He is definitely a role model for anybody who feels their livelihood is bleak. Or worse, heading toward the end. Paul always states to pray on these things; hope, love, forgiveness, and peace.
Some brief background is needed to help understand my anxious thoughts. How I feel I’ve been thrown down a well my entire life, handed only the essentials but wanting more-to be normal. Now that I have grown older and wiser still in this well I’m struggling to get out, or waiting miracle…I have just become numb to these walls.
I grew up with epilepsy at the age of 13, having grand mal seizures. It wasn’t the kind of attention I wanted. Mom continually afraid to leave me alone and friends afraid to do risky activities along with me. I just became the bystander that nobody knew or understood, but I understood everybody else. As I grew older still having seizures I realized this would have an impact on finding a job, further schooling, relationships and transportation. Still, I was afraid to take my own risks like drugs, or committing suicide. A part of me felt responsible to take control of what life I do have. That maybe I do have a purpose I would tell myself, since I haven’t died yet from a seizure. I hadn’t felt faith in God at a young age yet always knew of the concept-who doesn’t, but made fun of the idea that God kept me alive for laughs.
Now that I’m 31 years-old, still at home with mom, still having seizures every so often-the medication helps I suppose but the doctors do admit they have no idea what actually works. Still no drivers license and working as an over qualified deli-clerk, finding a full-time job to support my livelihood; a place of my own, medical insurance and utilities has not come into view. I fear I will never be prepared when my mom leaves this world and is taken into the Lords arms. That I will end up in the streets homeless. Even after relentless hard work, servitude and community service trying to meet new people, the right people and change my life…so far, I am still in a hole. I try to see this scenario from an optimistic point of view and Paul did with hope and joy, as if God wants me here. As if to help mom and protect me. I continue to pray that God leads me only on the path He has for me. But I must admit that this is a stressful road, a lonely road. A road many men would go insane looking down the barrel taking another life with them instead of seeking salvation in Christ. For this road is a road of struggle that brings forth either death or humility in an individual.